I Am Beautiful

Written by: Bryan Lian

I am beautiful; I am guiltless; and I am a guy. There I said it. Not handsome, not charming; beautiful.

But you… just said you were a guy. What do you mean by “beautiful”; is that some sort of ‘gay’ thing?

What if it is and what if I am? Is coming out something worth celebrating or something we should quietly wonder about, like I wonder who his bf is. And what if I am not? There’s not much to it right? Guys only think about three things: sex, meat and/or sports.

So, (to keep things straight; pun intended) I am not gay. I am a guy in dietetics; single, not particularly athletic, not totally into power tools, not an asshole, not a creep, and not confused. Well… maybe confused. Because since when did I have to be one of the above? I like to dance with friends, not up against strangers. I love to cook and dare I say bake? I’d also take pilates with a friend over grunting at the gym any day.

When I started in dietetics, I did it to empower others to internalize ways to improve their condition. By prioritizing their own wellness they can become more than what they think they are or what others may think of them. But you know what? There was a time when a friend asked me, “So are you going to do army or sports nutrition?” Those apparently were my options as a guy in dietetics. Another time during applications a classmate blurted out, “oh you’ll get into that internship for sure…you’re a guy.”

Please, let that sink in.

At times when I “muscled through,” my merits came down to who I am or what I should be. Other times, when I was at my lowest point, I felt trapped in the man box, unable to cry or complain about my shortcomings; something about ‘manning up’ and ‘not being such a pussy.’

I am beautiful because in light of what I should or should not be, I choose who I want to be. When you are hurt by that guy and you swear that all guys are assholes… “But not you Bryan…” What am I then? When you laugh about how a guy tried to ask you out on a date and it was a total epic fail, how am I supposed to react? Should l feel more or less adequate about asking someone out on a date?

Over the years, I have realized that those sweeping generalizations do not define me. Being a man or a woman should not mean someone should act or feel a certain way. So I choose to be who I am and what I want to be is beautiful. I think you should think that about yourself too. There are many things left unsaid in this world, but we can choose to say the one thing we should never regret saying: “I am beautiful.” There, I said it…and I’m a guy.