No?

Yes or No?

Ok I admit it. I'm a people-pleaser and have a much easier time saying yes than no. Combine that with some of my perfectionist tendencies and you'd think I'd be a total wreck. But I like to think I keep to together most of the time, and it's only because as I've gotten older I've learned to say no. To say no to the things, people and places in my life that don't push me to a better place, that don't improve my life, that aren't worth the effort. By reassuring myself that it's ok to say no. And be Guiltless about it. because there is a time for every Yes, and every No.

I just loved this 3 pearls of wisdom from 40:20 vision that I couldn't NOT share them!

To be able to say no without guilt.

~2~

To learn how not to take no for an answer.

~3~

To know when not to say no. Take some risks and embrace a little fear into your life.

Yes or No? and When?

Things I had wished I knew at 20 about Food and my Body: Part II Interview with 40:20 Vision

As a 20-something who is constantly looking to women older and wiser than I for mentorship, support and guidance I was struck by the utter brilliance of Christina Vuleta's website 40:20 vision. 40:20 Vision is "an experiment in sharing the wisdom of 40-something women with 20-something women." With everything from advice on relationships, careers and body image, the site is a godsend for those of us looking for a little bit of guidance. Last week I posted part I of this interview, and now I'll reveal all of Christina's wisdom!

In general, how do you think 20-something women and 40-something women differ in the relationships with food?

It’s a lifelong relationship but it does get friendlier. Food is such a part of our lives and our love / hate relationship with ourselves.

In your 20’s it’s about camaraderie and consolation. It’s pizza late night with your friends and overdosing on Entenmann’s crumb cake. It’s getting through your break up with Ben and Jerry’s. It’s eating what’s cheap and available and fast. I look back and realize that all I ate in college was cheese and bread. Pizza, nachos, bagels and cream cheese, cheese fries, mac and cheese and my go-to dorm room fix of cheese melted in a tortilla in the microwave. Yes, I did gain the freshman fifteen. As I entered the working world I graduated to eating a box a cereal or pasta every night for dinner. I was lucky enough to work for a company that had a wellness program at work. I learned quickly that was not a healthy diet and over the years I learned about nutrition. I got reacquainted with vegetables and protein and found that I like the tastes of certain things. I can crave a sweet potato and asparagus now as much as I used to crave a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. But I also can eat peanut butter everyday without thinking it’s bad because it has “fat” in it. It does take learning and experimentation but you can find healthy foods that you like and then it’s not a battle to eat right.

There are times when you feel like food is your only friend, hopefully you can get to a place where it is something you enjoy with friends. You learn not to beat yourself up over going over the limit…and you give yourself permission to enjoy a special meal without guilt.

Of course there are many 40-somethings who struggle with weight and we all know the stats on obesity in this country. There’s so much working against us from media images to mixed messages from health experts to quick-fix schemes to emotional and financial costs. For the seriously overweight or underweight the relationship is much more complex. For those of us in the middle, it’s a matter of education and commitment to a lifestyle rather than instant gratification. This woman has a strong opinion on the benefits of balance.

It is disheartening that women are so preoccupied with weight and food "management" and not focused on finding a healthy balance of exercise and eating that will maintain weight. So many of us make poor food choices from eating for comfort, overeating, not eating and dieting obsessively when 20 min of cardio work a day and educated food choices would enable you to eat decently without fear of gaining a pound. There is soooo much information about healthy eating choices and exercise - it is something I cannot stress enough that you must commit to for life. It will rid your life of dieting and self-hate.

What is something you wish you had known as a 20-something about food and your body that the wiser older version of you now "gets"?

- That restricting calories too much really does make you get into a plateau.

- That calories in really do equal calories out.

- That nobody is perfect.

- That it’s better to eat something you like than try to make something that tastes like cardboard taste better. You’ll only go back for something that satisfies you or overeat the thing that bores you.

- That it’s okay to indulge occasionally

- That you have to find what works for you. It’s not the same for everyone.

I used to obsess about weight and learned over time to lighten up. When you do indulge it doesn't instantly add pounds and once you learn that, you are less likely to overindulge. When you deprive yourself of something because you think eating it will literally add that pound to the scale, sooner or later you're going to binge on it and then feel bad about yourself. And when you feel bad about yourself, you eat poorly. Try to just eat a little and enjoy it. I used to have a tendency to eat the whole pint of ice cream or if one cupcake was good, then two was better. But then I'd feel sick. So two things work for me. One, if I'm not around these foods, I don't miss them. Out of sight out of stomach. Then when I do feel like an ice cream cone I can go get a cone and enjoy. Two, when I'm around food that triggers overindulgence (the every other week cupcakes someone brings into work or a glass of wine a friends home with the cheese and crackers staring in my face...just one more little slice...adds up) I just tell myself that that particular food is not going anywhere. There will be ice cream tomorrow, next week, next year. Chocolate is not endangered. So have a bite, or two, enjoy and know that it is not your last bite.

Thank you so much Christina for sharing your infinite wisdom! Want more?? Check out 40:20 vision and follow Christina on Twitter!

What is 1 thing you wish you could tell yourself 5 years ago?

Be There, Done That. Looking at life with 40:20 Vision

As a 20-something who is constantly looking to women older and wiser than I for mentorship, support and guidance I was struck by the utter brilliance of Christina Vuleta's website 40:20 vision. 40:20 Vision is "an experiment in sharing the wisdom of 40-something women with 20-something women." With everything from advice on relationships, careers and body image, the site is a godsend for those of us looking for a little bit of guidance. She agreed to answer some questions for Guiltless and her responses and advice were so detailed and wonderful I just HAD to split it into two segments. Read on for part I:
Q. What changes take place in the mind of a women who is looking in the mirror as she grows from 20 something to 40 something? How do our perceptions of our bodies change?

20s; Wow…there are some bones under that freshman 15.

30s: Hello under eye circles. Let’s call them bedroom eyes.

40s: Hello lines….is that me?

There’s definitely a moment when you see the first line and it seems like the Grand Canyon has appeared on your forehead with a big sign pointing to it that says….hello, I’m getting older! You think it’s huge. No one else even notices it. You might not even notice it until you have to start wearing glasses (another thing that kicks in at 40 even if you had 20/20 vision) and then…OMG you see a road map on your face. It’s a moment of awakening.

The thing is we don’t feel any different on the inside...and these little wrinkles are wake up call to the aging process…something you can’t control. So you go through a little bit of a freak out… and then you can turn left or right.

Left: You don’t worry about it and realize that it’s part of life and just a part of you. You take care of yourself, eat well moisturize, exfoliate and use a little retin A, and no more “maybe a little sun is okay” moments.

Right: You do everything you can to fight it. You go through a whole new stage of experimenting with skincare trying to find the magic answer. Perhaps engaging in a little help from botox or looking into all the new options out there. Let’s just say moderation is key. You notice it way more than other people do. Does your partner love you any less? Do your friends like you any better? It’s really only about what makes you feel better. So whatever you do, do it for yourself not someone else!

On the whole we become a little more accepting and embracing of who we are as we get older. We’re more forgiving of our flaws. We learn to live with what when we loathed when we were younger. Mostly it’s about confidence.

What gives you confidence is taking charge of your body. So many of the women I talk to feel stronger, more beautiful and sexier than they did at 20. It’s about the whole package and your mindset. Fitness knows no age. Inner beauty is not a number. When you’re strong and fit you do feel empowered and as cliché as it sounds, it shows. There’s a transition in your early 30s for some, and early 40s for others where you realize you just can’t eat the way you used to anymore. It’s harder to eat anything in sight and not see the effects. You can either get depressed by that and hate yourself and start a negative cycle of over-eating, feeling bad about yourself, getting depressed, and over-eating. Or you can work hard (work on yourself) and develop a healthy body and mind that will sustain you through your 30s and 40s and beyond. That’s a whole different cycle. Eat better, feel better, workout better, feel better. And with that comes the confidence. When you’re confident you don’t care so much about that flaw that rendered you self conscious and insecure 10 years ago. You develop a different kind of beauty that’s more powerful.

This 40-something woman has a great take on how it goes:

“You realize as you get older the people you enjoy hanging around with. whether they be your spouse or your girl friends, whoever they are… you didn't choose them because of how they looked or because the size of their waist. I truly believe people should not let themselves get outside of some range of what is healthy and you have these extremes on either end. Then once you're in that range, you're going to have like bigger legs and so and so is going to have beautiful hands. This one is going to have hair that grays early. That’s just the way it’s going to be. So once you’re in the range of you keeping healthy, try to let go a little bit.”

Some women also the fear of the loss of desire or attraction to partners or potential mate as they show signs of aging. Is it really a natural drive for men to be drawn to pursue a more youthful (see child-bearing) ideal. But that’s not always the case. Look at Susan Sarandon for example. The confidence gained also means being comfortable in your sexuality. At 40, you are also more at peace with yourself…so that fear of not having a man may become less important as well. If you want to be with someone you probably will. It will all be okay.

Q. What do you love about your body as a 40 something that you didn't love so much as a 20 something?

The most confident women I know “own it”. They have come to terms with their body and have learned to know what works and what doesn’t and then get on with it. The parts may become less important. Personally, I can finally say I like my bum after a lifelong battle against it. When my mom was born the nurse said, “My what a big butt this baby has”. Suffice it to say I inherited this. Perhaps my eyes were bigger than my rear…I was very self-conscious about it. No amount of squats changed it. Although I think Pilates helped! Then one day I realized it wasn’t that big of a deal. Now I love it and it’s just a part of me. I guess it’s my own version of love handles! And in truth being in good physical shape overall made it less of an issue. Thanks to working out by doing things I like to do, I became more aware of my body’s power. It’s not just going through the motions…it’s doing it because you like the way it feels. Just like eating, experiment with working out to find something you like doing if you can. You don’t have to be a marathon runner. It’s just about getting your body moving and feeling alive. I think that’s where the forgiveness comes in. Love yourself and I believe more love will come your way no matter your shape, size or body foil. When you love yourself, you take better care of yourself and you’re more comfortable in your skin no matter what. This woman offers some wonderful insight on her journey to loving your body.

“I’m not sure I loved anything about myself when I was 20. I was so wrapped up in trying to look like other women (which in most cases was unattainable) and what other people (mainly men) thought of me. There was so much wasted energy worrying about things no one really noticed. When you are older, you realize that men, too, are going through the same issues and really don’t notice that you got your eyebrows waxed or (gasp!) gained 2 lbs!

When you start feeling more self-confident about your looks after many mistakes and some success, you start liking the way you look and feeling more comfortable in your own skin. You start recognizing your potential and you are happy (happier?). Then you become more appealing to others. Nothing is less appealing than low self-confidence and a negative self- image!

I like my body now way more than when I was 20 but it was a long road of self-exploration, exercise, experimentation and loads of mistakes! I now have come to grips with the fact that in order to stay fit, i must exercise, eat well and make healthy choices. It sounds so simple, but it has taken me years to embrace.”

Come back next Monday for part II!!! In the meantime check out 40:20 vision and follow Christina on Twitter!

What is 1 thing you wish you could tell yourself 5 years ago?